The Mind

Just a reflection on my own reflections.

A whirlwind
with a sound like a freight train.
A spinning cerebral cortex.
A mass of millions of neurons firing
in a whirlwind.

A swell
with a sound like a crashing wave
a soaring tidal surge.
A mammoth beast of water washing over my mind
in a swell.

They call it life.
It’s been referred to as knowledge,
as wisdom.
But it feels like a swell,
and it sounds like a whirlwind.

God's honest truth

School is ridiculously busy. I hardly have time to process what all I am learning. I'm so busy I don't have time digest the past, but today I had a little break and was able to hear the silence again. When that happened, I realized how much I have to think about. I realized that I have been shouting down the pain of life with a crazy schedule and a crowded mind. There is so much pain in this world and I can't ignore it by only focusing on my own life. I can't even ignore the pain in my own life by focusing on my on life. Ha! How ironic is that! I need more time to listen, to masticate, and digest what is happening around me. I need my Savior, and that's God's honest truth.

I have thought allot about my purpose in the last few days. The amazing story of how I came to Seattle has continued now that I am here and God's blessings have continued to pour out in amazing ways. I have been reminded of his faithfulness through so many experiences. The wonderfully accepting family nature of the cross country team and the way they have pointed me more toward Christ in such an encouraging way, the random hundred dollar check I received in the mail, meeting Gregg (who happens to be not only exactly like me, but a ridiculously strong and passionate christian), the incredible floor known as 6th hill that is full of Godly brotherhood, and even ROTC's continuing financing of my college experience all continually remind me that I am meant to be here.
The question I am struggling with is, "what am I supposed to do now that I am here?" For some reason I have a strong attraction to inner city ministry that is really unexplained, but is a strong attraction enough to call it my purpose? I Pray for guidance. I seek wisdom. I peruse the pages of passionate literary geniuses for answers. Truthfully I need to spend time with my savior. I need his guidance more than anything.
My greatest fear is that I would waste this opportunity that God has given to expand his kingdom. May his name be uplifted through me.

I have felt a weight on me. It has to do with the realization that I may someday soon walk in the same paths of sacrifice that so many in our great nation have previously trodden. Everyday I read the news of the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Everyday my heart becomes more aware of the world I am entering into.
The headline yesterday read that 8 more men from Ft. Lewis died in just last week alone. Eight more families without fathers. Eight more wives left to face the cold tunnel of grief and sadness, that comes with the death of a husband, alone.
This past week I have asked myself over and over again if I could put anyone through that. I have asked myself If I could be strong enough to accept a duty to God and Country that would put me in harms way; a duty that would require me to stare at the line of fire and walk towards it.
It is not that I fear injury, or even death, I only fear the effect it would have on those I love if ever I was to fall in the pursuit of that duty. I have honestly been moved to tears on several occasions this week just thinking about the pain I would put those people through, were I to die. I have thought of my mother. I have thought of my sisters. I have thought of my blood brother, and my brothers in Christ whom I have gotten to know as blood brothers. I have of thought a blissful bumblebee. I have thought of all my other friends, and I have thought of those I would never had the chance to meet... and all of it has disturbed me.
I have taken comfort, so far, only in my Savior. The thought that he knows my time already has given me strength, and the thought that, were I to accept a commission, I would only do so with the full knowledge that my God wanted me there more than any other place, has sustained me.
I will be honest, I have not come to any sort of conclusion. At this point all I can do is continue to ask God, beg God, to give me an answer that I would know could come only from him. The suspense is palpable, but I am learning that God is not in the business of simply making scary life issues disappear, and am confident that he is using this to shape me more like himself.

"Trusting in him, who can go with me, and remain with you and be every where for good, let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To his care commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell."

The Triple Life Conundrum

Well after about 5 weeks of school I am finally adjusting to living a triple life. The insanity of trying to be a full time student, soldier in training, and NCAA athlete is beginning to become routine and I have been able to take a couple deep breaths whenever I get the chance. I don't know how I'm doing it, but everything seems to be working itself out perfectly. It like God knows what he's doing or something. Funny how that works. I mean, everyday is packed with stuff from daylight to midnight and so far I've only missed two meetings which sounds serious but considering I couldn't have gone anyway is rather remarkable. For example, on wed. I have a 7am bible study with some guys from Hill, class from 9:30 till 3, then CC practice till 5-5:30, then small group at 6:30-8, then Group (a student led on campus worship service) from 8:30 to 9:30 or 10, then another small group at 10-11 and then bed and then wake up thursday morning at 5am for ROTC! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love everything that I am involved with right now and I wouldn't have it any other way, I'm just amazed that God is giving me the strength each day to not only do all of those scheduled things, but still have time to chill with people on my floor, grab some awesome food at Gwinn, do homework, read the newspaper, play some viola or guitar, spend time in the word, and everything else. I truly am blessed to be so alive and in such a place in life where I can soak up so many different aspects of life at once. Considering all that I should probably have titled this the triple life blessing instead.

Crash song

I wrote this within a week after my accident using pieces of memory that came back to me. I have definitely moved on from the sadness of this song but I'm posting it because it was such an important part of my recovery.

I close my eyes
and all I see
is the screaming and the swerving
and her green eyes, looking at me

I think I say
it’ll be ok
we’ll be fine and live to dance another day
we’ll be fine and live to dance another day

The car is rolling
I can’t see a thing
but I came to when we landed
and I’m pulling on the seatbelt frantically

There’s a man outside
and I’m calling to him
I’m trying desperately to save her
but it’s all a blur
and it’s all a blur

I’m sitting in the grass
trying to avoid the glass
but the knats are getting thicker and the lights are getting closer
as we stand

I ask for her
over again
she’s the queen of england
with that collar on her neck
she’s the queen of england
with that collar on her neck

And now she’s wincing in pain
as he cleans her wounds
and I am watching from a chair
across the room
I am watching from a chair
across the room

I’m not on drugs
but I wish I was
I’m so jealous of the morphine in her arm
I’m so jealous of the morphine in her arm

as the tears fall down
and it’s all a blur
I grab your hand and start to pray hard
cause I can see it in your eyes that it still hurts

People come in
there’s a drink in my hand
it had a cherry at the bottom
and I’m talking like I don’t know
what’s going on

But it’s all ok
at least that’s what they say
The man with tats is just the cutest
and he asks us lot of questions
to calm us down

And now I’m saying good bye
and it seems so short
we escaped with our hearts beating
even more
we escaped with our hearts beating
even more

and as you turn to leave
and your head dips in the car
It takes a moment in my mind
to remember who you are
I take a moment in my mind
to remember who you are

I close my eyes
and all I see
is the screaming and the swerving
and her green eyes, looking at me

"life is a war fought with tears"

"life is a war fought with tears." In my whole life I haven't wept more than I have in the past two months. In my whole life I haven't woken up in the middle of the night with a puddle on my pillow and nightmarish images of a car rolling over and over flashing through my mind as I have in the past two months. It's like my soul feels the sorrow of a tragedy unresolved in it's subconscious, only realizing it when I close my eyes and relive the pain of that day.
It's not as though I've been crippled and my whole world is upside down. It's more that when I was upside-down in that CRV I saw my life from that position. I realized where my point of convergence really was and realized what is paramount is my saviour.
So I am still fighting the war with as many tears as I can, but at some point they are gonna have to stop and I'm gonna have to reconcile all of this. hopefully I can bust out with a roar, a growl so deep that the ground around me shakes and the mountains echo the unquenching love of life that comes from the father. Only then will will my life be truly Legitopotomous.