I have felt a weight on me. It has to do with the realization that I may someday soon walk in the same paths of sacrifice that so many in our great nation have previously trodden. Everyday I read the news of the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Everyday my heart becomes more aware of the world I am entering into.
The headline yesterday read that 8 more men from Ft. Lewis died in just last week alone. Eight more families without fathers. Eight more wives left to face the cold tunnel of grief and sadness, that comes with the death of a husband, alone.
This past week I have asked myself over and over again if I could put anyone through that. I have asked myself If I could be strong enough to accept a duty to God and Country that would put me in harms way; a duty that would require me to stare at the line of fire and walk towards it.
It is not that I fear injury, or even death, I only fear the effect it would have on those I love if ever I was to fall in the pursuit of that duty. I have honestly been moved to tears on several occasions this week just thinking about the pain I would put those people through, were I to die. I have thought of my mother. I have thought of my sisters. I have thought of my blood brother, and my brothers in Christ whom I have gotten to know as blood brothers. I have of thought a blissful bumblebee. I have thought of all my other friends, and I have thought of those I would never had the chance to meet... and all of it has disturbed me.
I have taken comfort, so far, only in my Savior. The thought that he knows my time already has given me strength, and the thought that, were I to accept a commission, I would only do so with the full knowledge that my God wanted me there more than any other place, has sustained me.
I will be honest, I have not come to any sort of conclusion. At this point all I can do is continue to ask God, beg God, to give me an answer that I would know could come only from him. The suspense is palpable, but I am learning that God is not in the business of simply making scary life issues disappear, and am confident that he is using this to shape me more like himself.

"Trusting in him, who can go with me, and remain with you and be every where for good, let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To his care commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell."