Like my fist Spanking

"Like my first spanking, it is one of the few incidents in my life that I can remember clearly. In the life of everyone there is a limited number of unhappy experiences which are not written upon the memory, but stamped there with a die; and in long years after, they can be called up in detail, and every emotion that was stirred by them can be lived through anew; these are the tragedies o life." (The Autobiography of an Ex-Coloured Man)
Yesterday I was reminded of one of those tragedies and I remembered the wonderful things that led up to it. I recall the beach, washed in golden sunlight, and waves as big as any I have seen on the east coast. I remember feeling the need to run, and taking off for several very sweaty miles. I can feel the blisters that developed under my toes from pushing off on the abrasive sand, and the thick sliminess of my hair brought on by the combo of saltwater and sweat. We laid out for hours, my friends and I, just enjoying the sun soaked atmosphere with conversation and occasional dips in the rolling breakers. I remember Rafael and I conversing in our own secret code that we were to excited about to actually keep secret. Images of Changing in the bathroom and going to Carabas for dinner, running to the car to get out of the random rain storm that passed over quickly, making fun of the boozed out bums lounging on the lawn behind the beach, and being thrown into the air right as waves went over to avoid mouthfuls of saltwater, all flash through my mind accompanied by the sound of joyous laughter.
Life for me has always been sweet. God is continually leading me to milk and honey, and I drink unceasingly from the well of his grace. Even in the bad times he has impressed my soul with rivers of peace and mountains of joy.

Journal entry April 30, 2010

When it rains it pours. This week it poured. I got sick on sunday night, missed flag detail on monday morning (meaning death by ROTC), I ended being to sick to go to class until friday, but still had to take two midterms, my phone broke, and then in the turmoil of all that I got a call on my room phone (currently my only connection to the outside world) that my grandfather had passed away and I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral..... What can a man do? I turn to my Savior but have found no comfort. Loneliness crowds my heart as I try to find a God I can actually touch. I miss my friends and my familiar lifestyle, but I tell myself over and over I am right where God wants me. I know it's the truth, but the truth hurts.
Madam Life, I bid you take your claws off of my neck and sink them into something worth your time.

Life in Reversal

He sits quietly,
hoping for hope,
reaching for weakness,
but landing in puddles of pride.
He sees his failures as a poignant reminder;
a lesson learned he plays over and over in his mind
as a fable.
Funny thing with fables,
they contain the word able,
steeped with possibility of renewal
and lasrever.

tub s'taht eht ytuaeb fo efil
ti syawla stneserp a eciohc.

The crocodile

I would give anything to borrow captain Hook's hammer,
to escape the crocodile.
How cruel the clock that ticks on a silver chain.
How cold the metal casing.
With each time my hand travels to my pocket,
a new burn,
as fingers brush gleaming steel.

Colored Band

This colored band,
this piece of cloth that never leaves,
has lost it's youthful charm.
The gash it rubbed in my leg
only an ironic reminder.

This colored band,
this piece of cloth I can't take off,
clings to my leg like a shackle,
leaving a trail of blood running to my sock.
An ironic reminder of a rose turned thorn.

The Mind

Just a reflection on my own reflections.

A whirlwind
with a sound like a freight train.
A spinning cerebral cortex.
A mass of millions of neurons firing
in a whirlwind.

A swell
with a sound like a crashing wave
a soaring tidal surge.
A mammoth beast of water washing over my mind
in a swell.

They call it life.
It’s been referred to as knowledge,
as wisdom.
But it feels like a swell,
and it sounds like a whirlwind.

God's honest truth

School is ridiculously busy. I hardly have time to process what all I am learning. I'm so busy I don't have time digest the past, but today I had a little break and was able to hear the silence again. When that happened, I realized how much I have to think about. I realized that I have been shouting down the pain of life with a crazy schedule and a crowded mind. There is so much pain in this world and I can't ignore it by only focusing on my own life. I can't even ignore the pain in my own life by focusing on my on life. Ha! How ironic is that! I need more time to listen, to masticate, and digest what is happening around me. I need my Savior, and that's God's honest truth.